The First 100 days

DAY 100: Everything all fixed.

DAY 99: President Obama is relieved to find out that no one really pays attention to a president's second 100 days in office.

DAY 98: An ear of corn wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, "Vilsack!!"

DAY 97: Obama falls victim to the so-called "black presidents' curse," which holds that every African-American president will stub his toe trying to walk to the bathroom in the early morning hours of his 97th day in office.

DAY 96: President Obama gets halfway through a 4-page letter on his desk before realizing it was for Barack Obama of Spokane, WA.

DAY 95: President Obama furiously asks Cabinet who unlocked Sakura on his Street Fighter IV save file.

DAY 94: Homeless man and Obama doppelgänger Tom Banks meets the president outside a D.C. restaurant and convinces him to secretly trade places for a week, a decision Obama will come to rue.

DAY 93: Taking his cue from President Obama's $800 billion stimulus bill, HUD Secretary Shaun Donovan goes on a spending spree not seen since the days of Caligula.

DAY 92: Secretary of Energy Steven Chu converts self into a sentient ball of energy.

DAY 91: Rahm Emanuel takes a deep breath, counts to 10, and reminds himself that it's not the envelope's fault.

DAY 90: Although he disagrees with many of his predecessor's policies, President Obama has to admit Bush left behind a pretty sweet home entertainment system.

DAY 89: To make up for missing the Opening Day first pitch, President Obama closes out the ninth for the Nationals.

DAY 88: White House senior adviser David Axelrod has to rush home to Chicago when he suddenly realizes he left his car in a two-hour parking zone in January.

DAY 87: Without alerting the president or anyone on his staff, White House counsel Greg Craig secretly decides to zone out for an entire day's worth of meetings.

DAY 86: Michelle Obama is busy hosting a conference on education reform, so the president has to attend a state dinner alone and carry around a de la Renta gown for the press to critique.

DAY 85: President Obama was totally about to stop illegal federal wiretapping, but got distracted by this phone call and then dinner and suddenly, it was bedtime.

DAY 84: Joe Biden meets with Treasury Secretary Geithner to discuss economic policy and whether you need to pay taxes on an old suitcase full of money you happened to find in a park 15 years ago.

DAY 83: The White House Easter Egg Roll sounded really good in Obama's speeches, but the event was undermined by policy complications, partisan rancor, and the economic crisis.

DAY 82: Although the leather-bound Mark Twain collection is very nice and all, Russian President Medvedev thought he made it clear that he wanted a Predator poster signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

DAY 81: Al Franken sets up another game of Boggle.

DAY 80: Robert Gibbs lets a rookie reporter repeat his question a third time before savoring ripping him apart.

DAY 79: Secretary Of Transportation Ray LaHood simply wants to know which Metrorail line Secretary Of Commerce Gary Locke is blaming for his late arrival to the Cabinet meeting.

DAY 78: Hastily organizing the staff Passover seder, Rahm Emanuel informs Peter Orszag that he will sing the damned four questions whether he likes it or not.

DAY 77: During an Agriculture Department staff meeting, the tension between Secretary Tom Vilsack and a nearby ear of corn becomes unbearable.

DAY 76: Snipers on the White House roof watch the NCAA Championship through a window on M Street.

DAY 75: The massive G20 protests that cost a man his life and British taxpayers $10 million in security are revealed to be a guerrilla marketing campaign for Cadbury Eggs.

DAY 74: Budget director Peter Orszag continues to refer to all of his policies as "Orszagian."

DAY 73: Press Secretary Gibbs stumps the entire press corps when he responds to the question “How do we know the president didn’t call for the AIG bonuses himself?” with a question of his own: “How do we know that the entire universe isn't just some sleeping dog's dream?”

DAY 72: Joe Biden accidentally drops his briefcase, which pops open to reveal a comb, a tube of Binaca, and a dog-eared copy of Oui.

DAY 71: The president exculpates Harrisburg, PA native Raymond La Forge during the traditional "pardoning of the fool" for April Fools’ Day.

DAY 69: In a drawn-out mating ritual, Eric Shinseki frantically chases a female Shinseki around the White House until, sufficiently impressed, the female acquiesces.

DAY 68: WhiteHouse.gov administrators clear out nine people still hanging around in the online town hall.

DAY 67: Obama helps out coworker by taking a shift at the White House gift shop.

DAY 66: White House Chef Cristeta Comerford gives a blank, puzzled stare when Biden asks for 'Eggs Biden.'

DAY 65: Following a state dinner, Obama lets the U.S. Marine Band know their soul version of "Hail to the Chief" will not be necessary.

DAY 64: Democratic fundraiser Wade Randlett thought he would be important enough to garner a meeting with the President during his trip to the White House, but is instead only given an uncomfortable ten minute face to face with Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis's wayward brother Hector.

DAY 63: Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsak wakes suddenly at 3 a.m. in a cold sweat screaming, "Corn!"

DAY 62: A sweaty, out-of-breath Joe Biden bursts into a Cabinet meeting to inform everyone that if a big guy named Ivan comes around looking for him, he "ain't here."

DAY 61: Chris Dillard of Bethesda, MD, receives the first new job under Obama's stimulus plan, being tasked with flipping the numbers on the White House scoreboard every time a new job is created.

DAY 60: Obama spends most of the day on the roof of the White House cleaning the gutters in order to teach his daughters a lesson about something or another.

DAY 59: A temporary lull in the White House's efforts to push legislation through Congress leaves the GOP dangerously close to being forced to decide what its beliefs and solutions for the country are.

DAY 58: Rahm Emmanuel sends out a memo forbidding any more graphical depictions of what a billion dollars in stacked $1 bills looks like.

DAY 57: Secret service agent Ted Scharpling stumps fellow agent Neal Vianna when he asks Vianna what he would do if Michelle Obama came at the president with a modified Glock 19 automatic.

DAY 56: To mark St. Patrick's Day, most of the White House staff wears green, except for Joe Biden, who never makes it into work.

DAY 55: Several weeks after reportedly being bit by a sheep dog, Eric Holder transforms into the shaggy attorney general at a critical moment during a press conference.

DAY 54: Obama's personal aide Reggie Love informs The New York Times that he's changed a lot since his May 27, 2008, profile and suggests they do a follow-up.

DAY 53: White House luncheon guests share a moment of awkwardness when someone says, "Madame, first lady," and both Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama turn around.

DAY 52: After refusing to take some of his state's stimulus money due to disagreements with the bill, Mississippi governor Haley Barbour wakes up to another burning tire on his lawn.

DAY 51: Reaching a milestone common for new presidents, Obama spends the afternoon seeing who is the most important person he can get on the phone in under five minutes.

DAY 50: While wandering the East Wing, Obama finds a really cool cobwebby room everyone had forgotten about for 125 years.

DAY 49: After hanging around for weeks and just watching from outside the White House fence, Sen. Harry Reid is finally invited to play in Barack Obama's pickup basketball game.

DAY 48: A trench-coat-wearing Wolf Blitzer is briefly detained by Secret Service agents after he is caught shoplifting three Mad magazines and a bottle of Dr Pepper from the White House gift shop.

DAY 47: Not wanting to sound too show-offy, White House Cabinet secretary Chris Lu tells a stranger at a Washington party that he "works in government."

DAY 46: A woman named Candi interrupts a Cabinet meeting to borrow $20 from Joe Biden for cigarettes.

DAY 45: A Treasury Department intern gets the lucky task of determining who lives and who dies today.

DAY 44: For the third time this week, press secretary Robert Gibbs peeks his head through the Oval Office door to let President Obama know that he's going on a Baskin-Robbins run.

DAY 43: Although everyone hopes the Minnesota senatorial race is decided quickly, Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) is getting pretty accustomed to putting her feet up on Norm Coleman’s old seat.

DAY 42: White House landlord Albert Grabowski isn't going to fix the damn radiator, and as far as those pipes go, that's not his problem either.

DAY 41: Sixteen hours and 25 cups of coffee into a Treasury Dept. strategy session, Tim Geithner proposes nationalizing CitiGroup, Bank of America, all nine seasons of Seinfeld, toast, Albania, and the third law of thermodynamics.

DAY 40: President Obama forwards the link to the new Star Trek movie trailer to the entire staff. Again.

DAY 39: The Obamas sit silently around their Camp David dining table because Malia forgot to pack Scattergories.

DAY 38: Uruguayan Ambassador left in blue room all day.

DAY 37: The West Wing staff enjoys two dozen boxes of Nilla Wafers courtesy of Nabisco after Obama mentions them in a speech.

DAY 36: Realizing there are 489 people working in the West Wing, Rahm Emanuel tells his secretary to stop buying cupcakes for everybody's birthday.

DAY 35: Negotiations between the House and Senate versions of the DC Voting Rights bill nearly break down when Senator Arlen Specter insists on keeping his doodle of a three-legged pony in the bill.

DAY 34: During a difficult moment of a televised address, President Obama debuts the evil-looking sock puppet that will speak on all unpopular matters from now on.

DAY 33: President Obama still hasn't updated his Twitter account, leaving millions of tweeple tweet-deprived for over a month.

DAY 32: Vice-President Joe Biden curses HotGunner79 for outbidding him at last minute on 1970's Navy bomber jacket.

DAY 31: White House Intern David Kimball decides delivering memos to Robert Gibbs counts as "managing critical White House messaging initiatives key to furthering the president's agenda."

DAY 30: At 3 a.m., President Obama sends Judd Gregg a group photo of his Cabinet, just so he knows what he's missing.

DAY 29: A nervous Canada accidentally offers to be annexed during Obama's first foreign visit.

DAY 28: Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's wife has taken to calling him the Trillion Dollar Man during sex.

DAY 27: Interior Secretary Ken Salazar is still feeling out the White House policy on nudity.

DAY 26: After receiving the fifth gift of its kind in as many weeks, Obama half-heartedly nails another African mask to the Oval Office wall.

DAY 25: Obama enjoys a quiet, candlelight dinner with Michelle and South Korean Prime Minister Han Seung-soo.

DAY 24: President Obama asks the visiting Estonian president if he wouldn't mind pretending to be Vladimir Putin for a second so he can practice for the Russian prime minister's big visit tomorrow.

DAY 23: Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano awkwardly enters the Oval Office while President Obama is doing his Napolitano impersonation.

DAY 22: President Obama asks aides to alert him immediately if the Mutant Registration Act is introduced in Congress.

DAY 21: For the third time, the Joint Chiefs of Staff ask President Obama not to leave fantasy miniatures on war map.

DAY 20: Joe Biden clears his schedule to oversee the installation of four video poker machines in the Naval Observatory.

DAY 19: After a tense afternoon holed up in the Situation Room, President Obama finally locates that old pack of Lyndon Johnson's Benson & Hedges.

DAY 18: In one of many historic firsts, Barack Obama becomes the first black president to TiVo MythBusters.

DAY 17: Hillary Clinton meets with Haitian president René Préval, who demands U.S. provide Haiti a sandwich by 2010.

DAY 16: Obama's "First 100 Days Dilbert Desk Calendar" still on day five.

DAY 15: Eighty-eight-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens informs the Obama administration of his decision to die in office, effective Mar. 1.

DAY 14: Taco Tuesday

DAY 13: President Obama meets with Vermont governor Jim Douglas and is saddened to find that he is not the creator of Garfield.

DAY 12: A nice little lazy Sunday for the president. Maybe read a book, watch a movie, whatever.

DAY 11: Director of the White House Office of Management and Budget reads former director of the White House Office of Management and Budget's memoirs.

DAY 10: Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donovan wonders if they mean "urban" like "city" or "urban" like "black."

DAY 9: Impressionist Rich Little sits in a bathrobe on the floor of his one-bedroom apartment trying to figure out how to say "I am not a crook" like Barack Obama.

DAY 8: Rahm Emanuel's "open door" policy is severely tested by political director Patrick Gaspard's repeated claims that someone is taking Splenda packets from the jar on his desk.

DAY 7: After figuring out a comprehensive solution for the economic crisis in a dream, President Obama issues an executive order requisitioning a fleet of freight liners and 147,000 tons of eggplant.

DAY 6: Joe Biden spends the day sitting on a couch in the Oval Office, saying he "just wants to watch."

DAY 5: Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack spends another day worried that his unanimous confirmation means people have forgotten what a hell-raiser he was as mayor of Mount Pleasant, IA.

DAY 4: Former treasury secretary Henry Paulson is discovered sleeping next to the boiler in the White House basement.

DAY 3: Obama takes a few minutes to fill out the change of address card for his Popular Mechanics subscription.

DAY 2: Suddenly everyone in the Roosevelt Room looks around and realizes: yes, this will be the seating arrangement for the next four years.

DAY 1: In one of his first acts as president, Obama begins the process of closing down the CIA prisons that he knows about.